The Readers are The Leaders

I have a friend that often says, "The readers are the leaders."  As an athletic, well educated, family man, a great friend to many, volunteer coach, and an amazing heart surgeon, he's a good example of the truth of this statement.

I've probably also mentioned that I have a daughter that devours books like most kids eat up television shows.  She reads an average of about five, age appropriate chapter books per week.  I'm not sure if it's true, but I like to think she's this way because I read to her so much when she was young.  Okay, Nancy read to her quite a bit as well, but I'm the one that read an entire 3rd grade reading text book to her before she even started school.

I have not always been a great reader.  In fact, if you don't count Hardy Boys books, of which I read maybe 15, I can count on one hand all the books I read for fun in the four years of high school. 

When I was in kindergarten, my mom moved us from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas, about half way through the school year.  In Salt Lake we did a lot of crafts and ate cookies and drank milk every day.  We probably worked on our ABC's, but I don't remember for sure.

In my new school in Las Vegas, it became quickly apparent that I was about a year behind the rest of the other kids.  On my first day at Ruby Thomas Elementary, when the teacher asked the kids to pull out their books and read silently, I knew I was in big trouble.  I held the book out in front of me and did my best to look like I was reading, but the teacher realized almost at once that I was faking it.  I can clearly remember her coming to my side, squatting down next to me and saying, "You don't know how to read, do you?"

I had just stepped onto the long and bumpy road of a kid who is constantly running to catch up with his peers.  That road lasted all of my elementary, junior high, and high school career. 

About 15 years ago, my mom was big into her real estate sales profession and occasionally went to motivational seminars.  She invited me along to a couple of them, including a day listening to Jim Rohn.  I had never heard of Jim Rohn at the time, but I have never forgotten him.  He was down to earth, logical and straight forward.

One of the things I remember most about the seminar, and the one thing that has made the single biggest impact in my continuing education, was a comment about library cards.  He mentioned that just 3% of Americans carried a library card.  He also mentioned some statistics about high achievers, also in 3% minorities.  I don't remember the details, but I do remember feeling like this was something I needed to do.  I leaned over to my mom and said, "Sounds like I'm going to be getting a library card this week."

I don't remember now if it was that week or sometime afterword, but I soon went out and joined that 3% by signing up for my very own library card.  My first ever.  Since then, I have read or listened while driving to at least one book per month.  15 years x 1 book per month x 12 months = a conservative 180 books since Jim Rohn challenged me to get a library card and use it.

180 books:  business books, leadership books, classics, motivational books, biographies, autobiographies, educational books, military histories, even the Old and New Testaments.  And that doesn't count any Dr. Seuss, or A. A. Milne, or 3rd grade text books either.  180 books - and counting.

I don't know why, but it seems like it isn't cool to talk about motivational speakers.  At times I'm bugged that it's such a taboo subject.  If they aren't exactly taboo, they are at least never discussed like they should be.  There are some great motivational speakers out there, and they have a lot to offer.

Jim Rohn is among the greatest.  His little bits of wisdom are amazing, and they are presented in a way that really rings true to me.  I have tons of quotes by him stored in my phone. For example:

- Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.
- Don't wish it was easier; wish you were better. 
- If you spend five minutes complaining, you have wasted five minutes.
- Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all you want.

      and one I just posted a few days ago
- There is no better opportunity to receive more than to be thankful for what you already have.  Thanksgiving opens the windows of opportunity for ideas to flow your way.

This great man died earlier today, after an 18 month battle with Pulmonary Fibrosis. 

I didn't know him personally, and only heard him speak the one time.  I've listened to some of his other tapes and CD's and have read some of his articles.  None of these - even combined - have compared to the influence of that one challenge to start reading more.  I'm sad that we have lost a man like this and I'm thankful for the impact he's had on my life and the lives of my children.  Jim Rohn  (September 17, 1930 - December 5, 2009).

Clark

Flying Solo

First Posted May 22, 2009 on el Bed.com

A friend pointed out to me once that it’s impossible to babysit your own children.  “Good point,” I agreed, after giving the idea some thought.  I guess it really bugs her how dads say they are babysitting when Mom isn’t around. 

Tonight Nancy, as well as our oldest daughter and several of her friends are up at Bear Lake for a Vacation Party (also known as a long, sleepless night with 8 giggling girls.).  Ah, the last birthday party for over a month.  You would have thought we were starting a business with all the logoed paper we generated this week.  Branding is the term, and branding is what we did.  What party is complete without a tri-fold flyer, matching thank you cards, luggage tags, even water bottles with the party logo on them?  The most fun for me was the CD with traveling songs on it.   Yes, it had a full size logo sticker on it.

Tonight the younger four children and I watched a movie and ate junk food.  I may not be the best parent they have but they all did eat a decent dinner before the show.  And after the movie they all brushed their teeth, said their prayers, and were snuggly in bed before 8:30. 

I do still occasionally slip and call this babysitting.  The really odd thing about that is, except for the movie and treats, I’m involved in this same bedtime routine every night.  Only this weekend, I’m flying solo.  It really does make a difference though when you’re doing it all on your own.  I definitely see one area where I under-appreciate my sweetie pie. 

This also makes me think of my own mother, who was alone for most of the years she raised children.  I can’t figure out how she did it.  When you are stressed out of your mind, what do you do?  You can’t just leave, you can’t just stop being a parent, you can’t just say to your spouse, “tag, you’re it,” or "I cleaned up the throw up last time," or "you change this nasty diaper while I go investigate that explosion in the boys' room."  Your only option is to just dig deeper and make it happen. 

So to all of you women and men out there who are doing it by yourself, who are making it work without a built in “babysitter”, and who are digging deeper and taking great care of your children on your own, I salute you.

Clark

Annual Christmas Collage

The Return of an Old Friend

The day after thanksgiving, we always get a visitor to the house. He shows up in the night and sticks around until the day after Christmas. This has happened now for the last 6 or 8 years.

He says his friends call him Engelbert. Engelbert is the Santa’s elf assigned to our house. He has magical powers that will go away if you touch him. He comes to our house each year to make sure we are good. We leave notes for him and he writes us notes on little pieces of white paper with torn edges.

Mostly he just hangs out in high places and watches our coming and goings throughout the day. He likes spots with views of as much of the house as possible but rarely spends more than one day in the same spot. This makes finding him each morning part of the fun.

Engelbert showed up again this morning. I wasn’t sure if he would since he told us last year that he was getting old. He made it sound like he was maybe thinking about retiring. I’m glad he didn’t.

When Engelbert first started coming to the house we didn’t really know what to think about him. It was neat to find him each morning, watching us from some new location in the house, but that was really as far as our relationship went. Over the years we have come to love him, and from his letters, Engelbert seems to have come to love us too.

Last year was especially with the kids writing him little notes several times a week and him responding to them. The kids would ask unusual questions about where he lives, and what kind of work he does when he is not here, and if he gets to ride on Santa’s sleigh. Engelbert would faithfully write back in his little neat handwriting, always on those small sheets of white paper with the torn edges.

Over the years, and I think especially last year, our relationship with Engelbert blossomed into something much more than just a standard Elf/Family sort of thing. Last year he became our friend.

This morning Engelbert is setting in a small handmade bowl that sits from time to time on the mantle in the living room. When our four year old woke up, he walked through the house calling, “Engelbert, where are you? Engelbert.” In time he found him, sitting there, looking down from his perch. The customary first night gifts at his side.

Ah, Engelbert, it’s good to see you. You are welcome in our home. You look well. I’m glad to see you haven’t retired yet. I’m glad to be able to spend another magical Christmas Season with you, watching over our small family as we grow up together. I’m glad you’ve chosen again to spend this time with us. And I’m excited to read more of your notes and watch my children’s faces as they find your new spot each day.

More than all of these, I’m glad you are my friend. Merry Christmas.

Clark

Angels in the Snow

My moms birthday was last week so I finally get to post this.  I didn't want any leaks so I didn't even tell my brothers about this song.

This was written with the help of Marvin Payne.  I thought of him while writing the lyrics because I knew she liked him back in the time period of when this takes place.  When I emailed Marvin, I told him that back in the day when this event happened, she might have given away one of those two boys to have you write a song for her.  

Marvin was amazing to work with.  He gave me some great pointers with the lyrics that mad the song better than it would have been.  When we got around to making the music, I told him the type of music my mom liked to play on the guitar.  I listed a few of the favorite bands of the day and described the type of music that I was looking for.  He said, "like this?" and started to play.  I couldn't believe how well he nailed what I was hoping to hear. 

Mom came over for dinner on her birthday.  While she waited for us to finish cooking things, I told her I wanted to play a song that reminded me of her.

After the first few words, she asked if I wrote it.  I just shrugged and she stared crying.  She does that.


Let me know what you think.

Clark

Eight Great Quotes on Gratitude

There is so much to be grateful for.
  -- Spencer W. Kimball

Thanksgiving opens the windows of opportunity for ideas to flow your way.
  -- Jim Rohn

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.
  -- Gladys Bertha Stern

Happiness comes when we stop wailing about all the troubles we have and offer thanks for all the troubles we don't have.
  -- Unknown

No duty is more urgent than that of giving thanks.
  -- Saint Ambrose

Gratitude is a mark of a noble soul and a refined character. 
  -- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Give thanks for all & for what is around you.
  -- Unknown

Count [your] many blessings & name them one by one.
  -- David O. McKay

How about you?  What are you grateful for?

Clark

Fall – Photo Set 6 of 6 – Snow

This was taken on the first snow day of the year.  I was headed back to the office after a meeting.  I was on the freeway and kept looking up at the mountains and the snow and the way the sun came through the clouds and lit up the snow and rocks and trees.  The mountain was calling me and I couldn't resist a little side trip up the canyon to take a few photos.  I never did get that perfect shot of the light on the new snow, but I had to get back to work so I left.  What a blessing it is to have mountains like this so close to home. 

I took this a week or so later, the same morning as the school bus photo (post 5 of 6).  Nancy and the kids had spent fall break at the family cabin.  I drove up separately and then left a day early to make it to work about three hours away.  It doesn't take much ice on the road and a brewing storm like this to make me wish I had just taken the day off.  On top of this exciting drive, the heater in my car was acting up, so I had to endure temperatures inside the car in the 30's and 40's.  I drove most of the way with one hand on the wheel, while the other warmed up in my coat pocket.  Then, when I couldn't feel the one I was driving with, I switched hands.

This was taken later that same snowy morning.  A few days earlier at about this same spot, I pulled over and made a post on Facebook that said something like, "Evanston Wyoming in the rear view mirror means I'm headed someplace else."  I lived in Evanston the last two and a half years of high school.  I was always happiest when Evanston was in the rear view mirror and I left for the last time the very day of graduation. 

A storm like this can strike in Evanston anytime of the year.  In fact, it snowed there on the 4th of July both summers I lived there.  I once got stuck in a storm like this while on my bicycle.  I was several miles from home with no jacket.  It was not a happy day. 

This photo was taken specifically for my friends from Evanston, especially those that right now are shrugging their shoulders and saying, "Yah, so?"

How about you?  What kind of places have you lived where you were either super happy to be there or super happy to see it fading in the rear view?

Clark

The Aggressive Driver

On Veterans Day, I always think about three people: My Dad, who spent a year in Vietnam, my grandpa, who spent the last few years of WWII aboard fighting ships in the South Pacific, and my Uncle Kim, a Marine, who served three tours in Vietnam.

Uncle Kim never talked about his time in Vietnam.  Only once did I ever know of him saying anything about it.  He was leaving the movie theater with his wife.  They had just seen Saving Private Ryan.  He turned to his wife and said simply, “That was the most realistic war movie I’ve ever seen.”

That was it.  End of conversation.

Of course he had seen all of them, including ones about the war he was personally involved with: Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, etc., but none was as accurate as this one about a war that ended before he was even born.

In the past two years, my grandpa and my uncle have passed away.  I still think about them on Veterans Day, and of course at other times as well.  My grandpa had countless tools, an unquenchable desire for perfection, and handwriting that was very hard to read.  Kim was a big, man’s man, the father of four great children, and a very aggressive driver.

Kim was also a very aggressive driver who liked to drive.  More accurately, he liked to be going someplace.  He rode horses, bicycles, and for a long time, drove an old Chevy Astro, the most aggressive minivan on the road.  I don’t know what it is about that particular van that brings out the aggressive side of drivers, but ever since my first ride in Kim’s Astro, I have never seen one that wasn’t going fast, swerving through traffic, or otherwise doing something most people would consider overly aggressive.

On Veterans Day this year I woke up a little late.  Just before I finally hauled myself out of bed, I had a quick dream about my Uncle Kim.  The dream was short, but very memorable.  I was standing on the side of the wide, main road, near his old neighborhood.  I was waiting for something or someone coming from the East.  I turned momentarily toward the west and noticed a van coming up the hill.  A Chevy Astro to be more specific.  It was all white with no windows except the three front ones. 

There at the wheel was my uncle, leaning forward aggressively, the driver side window open with his elbow hanging out.  He turned and made eye contact with me for several long seconds, but he didn’t stop or even slow down a bit.  We held eye contact as long as possible before he turned his attention back to the road.  And off he was gone as quickly as he came.

No, cool as it would be, I don’t really think my uncle’s off, cruising around Heaven in a celestialized version of the old van.  But, I do think he’s busy at whatever it is you do when you get there.

I’ve thought some the past few days of the fleeting nature of our lives, of our relationships, and of our very existence.  It interests me how we can be actively and anxiously doing one thing on minute, and then quickly move onto something entirely different and equally as important the next, never thinking again about the last, big important thing.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s all really so important after all.

There’s so much to do each day, so much pulling us this way and that, so many people with so many agendas.  So many distractions.

Kim wasn’t distracted by me.  He saw me, he made sure that I knew he saw me, and he kept on rolling.  He had stuff to do, places to go, and a singleness of purpose that bordered on overly aggressive.

Maybe he was saying life is too short to get distracted.  Do what you need to do, acknowledge the people that need to be acknowledged, but focus, get going, put the pedal down and don’t let up, no matter what, and no matter who crosses your path.  Just keep going.  Decide where you are going, get going, and just keep going.  But always, no matter where, or what, or with whom, you should always have the window down and be enjoying the ride.

How about you?  What are you working on that maybe can - or should be dropped for something more important?

Clark

Fall – Photo Set 5 of 6 – Random

This one was shot out the window at breakneck speed on a narrow road in the mountains.  I thought I was going to die. 

 

We spent the weekend at the lake about a month ago and I left early to make it to work on time about two and a half hours away.  I was standing on the side of the road taking photos of some ducks in a pond when this bus blasted past me.  My mom drove bus one winter in the early 80's.  Some days I would get up early to ride with her along the whole route.  Those drivers have to get up way too early every day.

This same morning I ended up hitting a major storm (see photo set 6 of 6) and it took me several hours to get to work.

 

I did say this is the random batch of photos.  I went out to the garden a few weeks ago to did up the potatoes and found these on the vine.  I was thrilled since it was getting so cold at night and I thought we had already pulled in what we were going to get this year.  We still have a couple of these but it won't be long now until they are all just a memory. 

How about you?  What are some of your favorite things to eat in the Fall?

Clark

Fall – Photo Set 4 of 6 – Harvest

This barn is about two blocks from downtown Paris, Idaho.  Its a beautiful little town near Bear Lake.

I couldn't resist this shot of a farmer clearing the last stubble of his corn fields.  This is right next door to the pumpkins from a few days ago.

This house is at one of the many points in Wyoming where the old Mormon Trail meets up with I-80.  I first became acquainted with the house when I was about 16 years old.  I have loved it ever since and look for it every time I pass this way.  A small cave near the house proudly displays the initials PPP, presumably carved about 161 years ago by Parley P. Pratt, teacher, historian, author, and friend of Joseph Smith Jr.

How about you?  What are some of your favorite places in this wide world?

Clark

Fall - Photo Set 3 of 6 - Soccer

We are down to the last two soccer games of the year.  The temperature should be in the low 40's for the first one and in the high 40's for the second.  One word, BRRR.

I've been encouraging the team I coach to wear their costumes.  I saw a few of those costumes today at the school.  Picture an Egyptian, a foot ball player, and Annie as forwards, with a kitty cat in the goalie box.  I'm thinking Frankenstein might also make an appearance.  It should be a great time.

 
Our youngest player, featured here in the thick of the struggle, is already done for the season.

I really enjoy going to the games and spending time with my kids, but I must admit, I'm pretty excited for that last game of the season to end.  Why?  Because that's when the trick-or-treating starts!

How about you?  What 'season' do you really look forward to the end of?

Clark

The Bolt Box

For as long as I can remember, I have saved little bolts, nuts, springs, and stuff like that in a small, beat up, toy safe I got when I was a kid.  To the untrained eye it’s quite a mess of odd junk.  Okay, trained or not, it’s a mess.  But for 25 years or more, through a couple remodels and many a move, I have always kept track of the little box – and often gone to it in a pinch.  I can only think right now of one thing I’ve had since I was very young.  Hard to believe, but it’s this beat up old box full of screws and stuff. 

This hasn’t always been the home for all the loose metal bolts and things; it used to be a sweet Fort Knox coin bank with a change slot in the top.  It even had a working dial on the front like a real safe.  It must have been one of my brothers that broke that feature off.  When it was no longer secure for money, I converted it to the bolt box.  And that’s what it’s been called ever since. 

The way this works is I’m working on a project and need just the right nut or tiny bolt.  I go to the box and pour all the contents out on a large flat space and start to digging and sorting.  Nine times out of ten, I find exactly something that will work. 

Yesterday I took my car to the dealer to get the heater worked on.  The heater itself works fine but a few weeks ago I was moving the lever from cold to hot and, POP, something inside there broke.  I thought I could just deal with it all winter but after a few cold and scary hours yesterday of steamed up windows in a freezing cold car, I decided I was done with being a mountain man this winter.   

You can probably tell where this is going, but the story is worth it so hang on. 

I used to be able to fix anything: alarm clocks, turntables, cars, whatever.  But now I’m too busy or lazy or terrified by all the computers they put in things these days, so I don’t touch anything in my car other than the gas tank lid and the radio buttons.

Well, I dropped my car off at the dealer, where I was told it would be $109 to diagnose the problem.  Okay, that’s a ton to just figure out what’s wrong, but I figured it wouldn’t be more than that to fix the actual problem.  Boy was I wrong.  A few hours later I got the call.  I’m just glad I was sitting at my desk at the time.  $570.66, I was told, to replace the HVAC control panel which had gone bad. 

After a few deep breaths and a little pep talk to myself on why I shouldn’t cry on the phone, I told the guy to go ahead.  Can you believe he had the nerve at that point to also describe about six other issues wrong with my car?  We aren’t talking about the sweetest ride on the lot, and he already got a ton out of me for the HVAC thinger, so let me alone already, will ya? 

He said he would have to ship the part in and it would take a couple days.  Okay, I can live without the car until then, but no way can I live without the soccer bag.  I am the assistant coach, you know.  People depend on me to bring the bag to practice.  So I told him I might be by later to get some stuff out.  Okay, he said.

In the mean time its FREEZING here this week.  And from my desk I could see my neighborhood a few miles away was being trounced by some freak storm that had settled in that corner of the valley.  I emailed the coach and asked if he was planning on practicing tonight. 

While I waited for his reply, I decided there was no way we were having practice, but I better get the bag anyway, just in case the head coach thinks otherwise.  Nancy took me to the shop after work and I noticed the dash was all pulled apart so I took a look.  While I’m checking it out, I saw how the whole thing fit together and pushed a little cable to heard the flap that switches the air to the heater.  I started up the car and the heat worked fine.  I looked around some more and saw that it’s like the easiest thing in the world to fix this problem.  Even without the heater, my temperature was now on the rise and stormed in to talk to the mechanic about this little HVAC dealie. 

He explained that I must not have seen the broken piece of plastic that holds the back of the hot/cold lever in place.  We talked for a minute more and then I went back out to figure out what he was talking about.  Okay, I saw it then, a tiny worthless piece of plastic that broke off of a much larger and more expensive part. 

Nancy was driving us home and I was fuming about this terrible design.  I was also thinking about how bad I hate working on cars.  I was also thinking about the $570.66 that will have to go on my credit card. 

I was also thinking about my lifelong friend Shane, who taught me a thing or two about “Southern Engineering” as we used to call it.  (Oh the stories I could tell . . . he once built a three wheeled motorized machine out of two bikes and an old lawn mower engine.  He was a master at controlling the thing.  I only rode on it one time and have a huge scar on my side from the electric barbed wire fence I ran into.  But that’s a story for another time.)

Shane would laugh at me if I paid the $570.66 for such a dumb little thin, and rightfully so.  I’m sure I can do it, I just didn’t want to. 

By the time we got home, I had figured out what I would do.  The first thing I did was grab the trusty bolt box.  I poured it out and found about 30 possible solutions.  I then grabbed some good glue, a piece of sandpaper, and a few other small tools before driving back to the dealer. 

It was dark by the time I got there but the gate was still open.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone so I drove around back, parked next to my car, and got in.  I set up a flashlight under the dashboard and got to work.  I’m sure if anyone saw me they would have been alarmed by someone working under the dashboard of one of the cars, lit from below by a flashlight.  I looked up every minute or so, just to make sure I wasn’t going to be surprised by the Sheriff when he came.  20 minutes later, no sign of the police, I was headed home with a $570.66 smile on my face. 

I thought about calling Shane in Texas but figured he‘d just laugh at me for even taking the car to the shop in the first place.  I’ll bet he’d remember the old safe, though, full of miscellaneous hardware.  It had saved my bacon again. 

This morning I called the shop to tell them what I had done.  Later I went in later to pay my bill.  On the receipt it says, “customer came last night and rigged it himself.”  Maybe I will give Shane a call.

How about you?  Who should you be calling just because you need to reminisce about the old days for a few minutes?

Clark

Fall – Photo Set 2 of 6 – Pumpkins

It snowed all day today.  Suddenly my planned entries featuring photos of fall colors seem just a tad bit dated.  After another storm tomorrow, the weatherman says it will be in the 50’s next week.  I rarely believe what the weatherman tells me, but, in this case, I will hope it’s the truth.  Either way, I will keep posting as planned.

The first two photos are of a pumpkin patch I passed a few days ago.  I actually pass by this way every couple weeks or so.  I had noticed the field a few times in the past, with its expanse of vines and huge, green leaves.  If I looked carefully, I could occasionally make out the orange shape of a growing pumpkin.  The last time I went by, someone had cut back the vines a few days before in preparation for the big harvest.  I had absolutely no idea there were so many pumpkins in there.

While I was taking photos, a group of men were filling large pumpkin delivery boxes.  The boxes were loaded on long, flatbed semi trailers, about 14 boxes per trailer.  They had a long day of work ahead of them.

Ohp, how did this one get in there?

A fun shot of one of my pumpkins, up on the table, spinning his new toy on the lazy susan.

How about you?  Besides spinning pumpkins, of course, what do you enjoy most about Fall?

Clark

Fall - Photo Set 1 of 6 - Leaves

Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  Fall is all about the senses: the colors of the sunsets and the changing leaves, the feel of the cool evening air and a warm jacket, the taste of good, home cooking, and the sound of crunching leaves or migrating birds all make fall amazing for me.  But, of all the reasons, the smell of fall is what pushes this one over the top and makes it my favorite time of year.  I love good smells: the smell of clean skin or a fresh rose, the smell of a baby's hair, and the smell of cookies or bread baking; These are a few of my favorite things. 

I also love how closely the sense of smell is associated with memory.  The other day I was walking around the block, taking great, deep breaths of crisp air when a memory slowly came to mind of a small apartment complex I lived in with my mom and next oldest brother.  Our back door opened to a grassy area with a wide creek running through the middle of it.  Along the sides of the creek were maple trees.  Lots of them.  Suddenly I was there again, standing next to the creek, watching my mom's cousin lasso my tricycle and pull it out of the water.  A short time earlier, I had been riding it on the small patio behind our apartment.  When I ventured onto the grass, the gradual slope of the hill took me quickly toward the creek.  Fortunately, I jumped off just before my tricycle tumbled into the cold, fast-moving water.  I hadn't thought about that experience for years. 

Today has been kind of a hard day.  Sometimes I think too much.  Sometimes I don't do enough.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled down a gradual hill, faster, faster, faster, toward a wide, cold, fast moving place that I don't want to be.

I'm much too young for a midlife crisis, but I wonder if this is what it feels like.  Should I jump?  Can I jump?  How bad will jumping hurt compared to going in the drink? 

All of a sudden I have the words to an old song by The Clash going through my head.  "Should I stay or should I go?  If I stay it will be trouble.  If I go it will be double. 

"So come on and let me know . . . Should I cool it or should I blow?"

While you think about that, here are a couple other photos of fall colors to enjoy.  I can't give you the smells that go along with the photos, but if you know the song above, you should at least have a little tune running around in your head.

This was on a narrow, two lane, but very busy road in the mountains.  We were driving slow and cars were piling up behind us.  Nancy was driving so I could hang my camera out the window and shoot.  We pulled over for a second at a wide spot in the road and I looked back to see this lone orange/red maple, lit up perfectly in the afternoon sun. 

This was on the same drive, near the top of the pass.  What an amazing view of the back of the mountain.  Photos rarely do a scene like this justice.  If I had a panorama camera about 5 frames wide and 3 tall, you might get a little feel for what this view was like.

How about you?  What's your favorite Season?  What's your favorite Sense?  What's your midlife crisis going to be like?

Clark

Daddy's Little Girl

First Posted May 20th, 2009 on el Bed.com

Today I took a day off to spend it with my oldest daughter. As mentioned a few days ago, her class went to the JA Biz City simulation and I volunteered to help. We each worked in different businesses, she in the restaurant and I helped out at the bank, so we actually only got to see each other a few times. We did take a short break toward the end of the day and walked around the town together. We strolled past all the busy shops, full of children trying to get things done, and talked about how fun today had been so far.

The day was a great experience for both of us. She learned a few things about running a business and balancing a personal checkbook. I got to spend the day with about 100 kids who were having fun at pretending they were big people. We ended up at the restaurant for a snack and some photos of her standing out front. My little CFO daughter, 11 years old today.

11 years ago things were pretty messed up as far as business and finances go. The company I had worked so hard to build was falling apart around me. Over the next two years we lost everything worth anything and ended up with a massive pile of debt. Eventually, I lost the business and we sold our house to pay off a large and looming debt. With other creditors still calling, we moved in with Nancy's parents to save money and begin the rebuilding process. Maybe it goes without saying, but this was a tough time for us.

In that long time of darkness, one bright, little light stands out in my memory. She was that one, sweet, little girl, whose smile was infectious, whose hugs would brighten your day, and who’s love kept her daddy going. It was in that time in my life that I wrote the following words.

It's been a long, rough day.
Finally, I am home.
I’m feeling very beat,
So tired, and alone.

It all goes away,
When open swings the door.
And I hear the running feet,
Of baby, I adore.

Now everything's okay.
I lift her in a twirl.
When I see the grin, so sweet,
Of Daddy's Little Girl.


(Her Smile, November 1999)


Today gave me a few moments to reflect on my life with this girl, my relationship to her, and the debt of gratitude she is owed by me. Today has also given me a glimpse into how our relationship might progress through the years as she grows up and moves on into the world.

I love the memories I have of her and I will cherish them forever. I also look forward to what lies ahead and am so excited for many future lunch-hour walks in the company of this treasured daughter with the beautiful smile.

How about you? Who are some of the most important people to you and why?

Clark

I Mean . . .

I mean, what is it with the phrase, “I mean?” I mean, you hear this thing everywhere these days, at work, in social settings, at the store, even on public radio. I mean, its buggy. I first noticed this phenomenon a few weeks ago at work. It’s hard to believe, but it was me that I caught saying it - and I mean A LOT! I mean, I was spouting these two words off at the beginning of every sentence I started. At first I only noticed once in a while, but after a few minutes of conversation, I was fully freaking out at my latest quirky habit. I couldn’t believe my ears.

Here’s how the conversation went. My coworker said something like, “What did you think of Jim’s proposal in the meeting today?”

And my response was something like, “I mean, it was okay. I mean, you can tell he did his homework on it.”

Even before I finished the sentence, I’m thinking to myself, “did I just say, ‘I mean,’ two times in a row? That was weird. I wonder how long I’ve been doing that. I hope no one else has noticed.”

To my comments about Jim’s proposal, my friend came back with, “Do you think the rest of the team will go for it?”

My reply, “I mean, if they do go for it, it will take a while before we see any benefit.”

“There’s that phrase again,” I said to myself. “‘I mean?’ What’s going on with that?”

My friend, not knowing I’m having a full conversation with myself, jumps in with, “you’re right about that. How many months do you think it would take?”

My reply, you guessed it, “I mean, maybe six or eight.”

What exactly did I mean by, “I mean?” I mean, the phrase, “I mean” doesn’t have anything to do with anything going on here, so I’m pretty sure I don’t need to say, “I mean,” yet, because, I haven’t said anything that needs to be clarified.

Finally I just told my friend I couldn’t talk about it anymore because I was too stressed out.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying!” I shouted back. “I mean, listen to me!”

After a few seconds of silence, he slipped quietly out of my office and hasn’t tried talking to me much since then.

At first I thought it was just a filler word or a nervous habit, like one possessed by a good friend of mine, who says, “you know,” quite a bit. The larger the group, the more times you hear this phrase wedged in this way and that. Once, in a room full of people, I clocked him at twenty-three “you knows” a minute. And, I mean, you know, I’m telling you, he can stick, you know, this phrase in, you know, anywhere.

But it seems the phrase, “I mean” is a little different than other filler words or phrases that only a few people use. I mean, once I finally discovered this little quirk in myself, I started to hear it everywhere. And it wasn’t just simple folks like me sticking this thing out there everywhere it wasn’t supposed to be; even smart people were saying it. I heard it in important work meetings, from the pulpit at church, from sports stars, and even (dare I say?) from the news anchorman on TV. What is this world coming to?

I mean, maybe this is something special. Maybe this phrase, “I mean,” is the mother of all filler phrases. I mean, maybe this one has replaced all the old ones from that past. Think about it, you know, you don’t hear that word, “um,” much anymore.

When I was a kid, it was very popular to say, “Um” all the time. I mean, you would hear this word five, ten, maybe twenty times during a speech at school. Maybe “I mean” is the new equivalent of “um.” All of us kids grew up being chastised by teachers and parents for saying, “um.” So we dropped the nasty, dumb word and picked up something much more intelligent-sounding. Maybe “I mean” is just the smart way, the grown up way of, um, well, you know, not saying, “Um.”

Obviously, “I mean” beats “um” any day of the week; it’s smart, it’s bold, it’s assertive and, well, I’m starting to like it. I mean, maybe this is a good filler phrase after all.

So there you go. I mean, if you must pick one, you know, choose wisely. As I see it, you have three main choices: the very dated, and not so, you know, bright, “um,” or the more down to earth, humble and gracious, “you know,” or the brash, in your face, “I mean.” Uh, I mean, if you’re going to stick something weird in there, then at least, you know, do it right.

How about you? I mean, what kinds of quirks are you tuned into?

Clark

Smarter Than Me

First Posted May 18, 2009 on el Bed.com

The other day I sent an email to a guy at work. I was answering a question for him that required some online research. As part of the response, I cut and pasted the ratio 20 to 100 into the text of my reply to him. He later asked if 20 to 100 was the same as 1 to 5. He’s a smart guy and sometimes funny so I’m not sure if he was over-analyzing or just messing with me. I joked back and that was about the end of it.

It seems like we used to learn this kind of stuff in Jr. High School. Now days, kids learn these things in about the 4th grade. Just that morning, I was helping my 5th grader with some math homework. To be perfectly honest, I had no idea what she was doing. I’m normally quite comfortable with math but this was news to me. Outside, I was a calm, supportive, intelligent father. Inside, I was a wreck. I kept chanting to myself, “Fake it till you make it. Fake it till you make it.”

Eventually I figured it out and was able to help with her questions. It was a great boost to my morale to figure out this grade school math all by myself.

Later that evening I went to Junior Achievement’s City, where grade school age kids go to learn how to be adults for a day. JA Biz Town is what the kids call it. I volunteered to help with my daughter’s class when they go next week and needed to get my training done.

This place was Unbelievable (with a capitol U). Picture a miniature town square in the middle of a large room, with 20 businesses built up around the edge. The businesses included: a car dealership, a furniture store, two banks, a real estate office, a newspaper, radio and television stations, a copy center, and over ten other businesses. Each one was incredibly detailed and realistic. Some kids will be managers and some will be workers and sales people. They will work, get paid, write checks, and buy things they need for work and personal use. My daughter will be the CFO of the restaurant, where kids can go get a drink on their breaks.

I was blown away by the detail, the preparation, and the obvious care that has gone into planning this curriculum. Here is a program that is actually teaching kids what life is like in the real world. I am so excited to go there this week for the actual simulation. It should be a great experience for everyone involved, bringing new meaning to the phrase, fake it till you make it.

Just now, as I was typing this, my daughter, who I gallantly helped with her math homework last week, just came over and read what I have been typing. “I got half of those answers wrong,” she said and walked away. Hopefully the children are more successful with the mantra than I was.

How about you?  What impresses you most about the up and coming generation?

Clark

Busy Busy

First Posted May 17th, 2009

I’m not exactly sure what it is about May that’s so different. But different, it most definitely is. This week we have gone to bed after midnight on several occasions. This in itself is not particularly amazing. What’s unusual is what we were doing that kept us up so late. Just last night, after trying to get out to the garden all week, we finally made it, well past midnight, flashlights on, and planted our seeds and store bought plants into the ground. Our neighbors already think we are whacked. This just confirmed it for some of them. It also confirmed for me just how crazy things are these days.

May is always the second busiest month of the year, beat out only just barely by December. December, however, we do to ourselves (a subject I’m sure to speak more on toward the end of the year). But May is another story. May we have no control over. May has a life of its own.

As an example of a typical day in May, Saturday’s schedule included just five main things: Soccer games, plant the garden, go to party for a niece, fix the drippy tub faucet, and a go on a family bike ride. Then one more item crept onto the list; Work on student council campaign posters. This last one was a real deal buster for sure. This one made me want to curl up in a deep hole and hide. I don’t know why. It doesn’t seem like one item could make all that much difference. But, at the time, something about this project made the list seem so long and overwhelming to me.

We got up early Saturday morning and went to work. Well, not too early. We aren’t THAT busy. If I’m ever so desperately busy I can’t sleep in a little on Saturday, it’s time to lock me away for a while.

We got up kind of early Saturday morning and went to work. First on the list were the soccer games. With three hours of overlapping soccer games, I ended up watching only about 20 minutes of one game. That was it. The rest of the time was literally spent running kids to and from games.

The rest of the day was just as nuts, climaxing at 10:00 with a second trip to the store to pick up more poster board and rubber cement. Three hours later, posters DONE, drip FIXED, and garden PLANTED, I crashed hard into bed and didn’t move until my 4 year old tried rolling me out of bed about 8:00 the next morning.

We never did get the bike ride in. Kind of sad really, since it’s something we all enjoy so much. Tomorrow though, we’ll get our bikes out tomorrow for sure. At least I hope we will. That’s what the packed schedule says anyway.

How about you? What time of year are you most busy?

Clark

Gardening

Posted May, 13, 2009

So, as earlier mentioned, I had lunch yesterday with my brother in law. After talking about the blog, he asked me about my journal. I felt a twinge of guilt as I told him the blog was my journal right now. I thought about this part of our conversation a few times during the day and when I got home I dusted the old thing off and went out back to write.

It had been about three weeks since I made an entry. I jotted down a few things about the day and about my kids and then I wrote down some of the details related to the Small and Simple Things entry on May 2nd.

By now I was a few pages into this thing and took a minute to look up and enjoy my surroundings. I was in the back yard, sitting in a fold up chair. The baby was next to me, playing in his playpen and eating saltines. Beyond him, our little garden sat, barren and ready for the seeds that we just haven't made time to stick in the ground.

We spent a few hours out there on Saturday, getting the mounds all piled up in straight rows, running the drip lines down each trough between the rows, and even planting a few starts that had been growing in the laundry room since late March.

This reminded me of the Saturday, two weeks before, when we spent most of the day out there tilling, raking, and getting rid of all the sticks that had fallen off the trees through the winter. This was the same weekend that so many friends were popping up out of my past on Facebook and asking if we could still be friends. I thought a lot about life that day, especially how life was now, and how I wanted it to be in the future.

I told Nancy that I really liked how far our relationship had come over the past few years. I told her I was very happy with the progress we had made and the closeness we felt toward each other. Then I told her I was ready to take things to the next level.

“Okay,” she said with a touch of intrigue in her voice, “what does that mean?”

“I don’t know,” I answered. “I just see people once in a while that seem to be insanely in love with each other. I think we can be that way. I guess we will just have to figure it out together.” There was a pause as we worked together in the garden, thinking about the words still hanging there. “When you die,” I said, “I want to die a few days later.”

“Okay,” she said again, sort of understanding, sort of laughing.

“You know what I mean?” I added. “Like when one old person dies and then the other is so torn up about it that they only last a week or so.”

“Yes,” she answered. She paused a second, thinking, and then added, “That sounds nice.”

This is a memory I would have lost had I had not opened my journal yesterday. Like a journal, where the rows represent ideas, dreams, and memories, and like a garden, where we plant, and work, and nurture what grows there, relationships are fertile places, ready to be planted with seeds that will sprout and mature into something marvelous and wonderful.

A little more care, a little more forgiveness, a little more trust, love and working closely together toward a common goal.  In time, these will give us the beautiful garden we have so long worked to establish, so carefully planted and watered, and so hope to enjoy.

We each went back to work, picking up sticks, raking, working together in our garden – our victory garden, as our 10 year old reader likes to call it.

How about you?  Who is most important to you and why?

Clark

Ooey, Gooey

First Posted May 12, 2009

Today I had lunch with my Brother in Law. We try to get together for lunch once every three months or so, nothing fancy or expensive, just good conversation over lunch. Today we ate at Johnnie Beefs. The owner is from Chicago and knows what he’s doing. He also works the counter and gets out to talk to the patrons when the lunch rush dies down. Today I enjoyed the best Chicago style hot dog I’ve had in years. It amazes me how a hot dog with tons of stuff on it like that can instantly take me back to the year I lived in the windy city. I’m actually salivating just thinking about it. Best $3.50 I’ve spent on lunch in months.

But I digress. This has nothing to do with today’s entry.

So over a yummy hot dog, I enjoyed talking with a good friend. We usually talk a lot about business and investing, about our families, about church stuff and whatever else comes to mind. Today I mentioned this blog and he asked a question that kind of took me by surprise. He asked if I was keeping a journal in addition to the blog. I said the blog was my journal right now. We both are journal keepers and discussed the merits of using one. I do feel bad that I don’t write in it as much as I used to. There is something intimate and much more personal about writing in a journal – a bound paper journal to be more specific, and with a nice pen – that you just don’t get in any other way.

I’ve actually given up on the idea of my children someday reading my journals. But I can’t blame anyone for not wanting to. Who wants to read 20 volumes of bad penmanship and grammar where the main subject never gets much done? Actually, maybe one of them will. She’s a voracious reader who downs long, heavy books on a daily basis. Books with no pictures even! I don’t even do that.

But I still think writing a journal is very worthwhile. In them I can work through troubling issues, keep important notes, and also they are a good place to keep track of all the silly things my children often say and do. It was just yesterday that my four year old son was tearing pictures of super heroines out of his coloring book and loudly saying, “ooey, gooey girls,” every time he dropped a sheet on the floor. Isn’t he so cute!? You just keep thinking that, little boy.

So if no one is reading, why write? Well, because it’s good for you, says I. It makes you feel better and helps you think more clearly. If you write long enough something good is probably going to surface, some problem is going to be solved or some important memory is going to be saved forever. So what if no one reads it. At least its saved, right?

This actually wasn’t what I planned on writing about tonight. (Not to mention the plug for Johnny Beefs or telling about my funny kids.) But it’s late and I’m not focusing very well. And besides, since I talked to my bro today at lunch, I’ve already written about 7 pages in my journal. In those pages I did come upon an idea I had planned on sharing. But I’m tired and will do so tomorrow. Until then, good night.

How about you? What are your thoughts on journaling? Do you have a journal, a diary, both, or neither?

Clark

Saving

First Posted May 11th, 2009

A few days ago, I went out to the shed in search of my bike. While I dug through the piles of lawn tools, toys and other bicycles, I noticed a pile of walnuts, very carefully and conscientiously stacked on a shelf near the back of the shed. Squirrels.

At first, I was a bit bugged that a squirrel was hanging out in my shed and using it for his food storage. But, I was also amazed at how resourceful and diligent he was by already getting started on next year’s needs. His example has led me to thinking more about the subject of storage: storage of food and storage of money. This is clearly a little feller that could teach me a thing or two about saving for a rainy day.

I’ve recently mentioned a few friends who are out of work right now. These are hard working, disciplined, intelligent people who would be an asset to any organization. They should have been snatched up within a few days of being on the hunt. But now, months later, they tell me it’s tough to even get an interview, let alone a second interview, or a job.

In addition to being talented, these are also people with mortgages to pay and mouths to feed. Many of them got a severance check when they were let go. In most cases, I’m sure that was spent ten different ways before the end of the month. Some of them had some savings they have fallen back on. But, with no income for a month, or two, or six, I don’t know how long their savings could hold out.

Saving is something I have never been very good at. It seems every time I build up a pile of cash, it quickly gets eaten up by unexpected expenses. Last month it was a car in the shop and about 3 million cavities that needed to be repaired. We do have some investments and other long term or emergency savings but I hope I don’t have to touch that until I retire.

Probably the biggest reason I don’t have much savings is because I have debt: debt from bad investments, debt from our house and car, and some debt on a credit card. But, because it has been our goal for several years to wipe it out as completely and as quickly as we possibly can, we are actually in pretty good control of our debt right now.

The problem with saving is that it takes money to do it. Right now there is very little check remaining at the end of the month. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful to not be in the opposite position, that I’m almost giddy.) So right now, while saving is less of an option, we are working on spending less and getting rid of things we don’t need or can’t justify the payment on right now. Hopefully that will free up some money to spend on food storage, savings in the bank, and paying down our debt.

I think the best way to get this done is to start small and chip away at it as much and as often as possible. That reminds me of a quote my neighbor across the street uses once in a while, “Think Big, Start Small, Move Fast.” He retired from his job while in his early forties. Something tells me I should be listening carefully to his financial advice.

My backyard neighbor, the squirrel, also clearly understands this strategy. He knows he wants that pile of walnuts to be as big as possible. He’s proven that he is willing to work hard at it and take the time he needs to carry walnuts, one at a time, from who knows where, to build up his pile in my shed. And he does it at a crazy-fast pace all day long.

It’s amazing to me, that when he puts his mind to it, such a little critter can build up such a nice pile in such a short amount of time. “Think Big, Start Small, Move Fast.” Yes, thank you, I think I will.

Mother's Day Lilacs

First Posted May 10th, 2009

I woke early one spring morning more than 25 years ago with a terrible realization. I looked at the clock, it was 7:05 a.m. It was Sunday, so no one would be up for a few hours. Maybe I had time to figure something out. I quietly slid down off the top bunk and got dressed without waking my brothers. It was Mother’s Day and I had to find my mom a gift.

Buying something for her was out of the question for a boy who didn’t see money very often. This gift was going to be homemade. Suddenly, remembering how much she liked the smell of lilac flowers, I decided on a plan, and set off through the neighborhood on a mission.

As I started, I thought it would be easy to find a lilac bush. I even thought I knew exactly where one was, just outside of our sprawling apartment complex. This is one of my earliest memories of being out and alone in the relative quiet of the early morning. The air was cool and the shadows were long as I walked down the street in search of the bush.

It took me longer than expected to reach the spot, and when I got there it wasn’t even a lilac bush at all. I trudged on, wondering if I would even find a lilac bush before having to give up and head back for home. At last, near the point where I had decided I would turn back, I found a lilac bush and cut off a few purple-covered branches with a butter knife.

I don't remember much about the walk home. I don't remember arriving home or giving the simple gift to my mother. In fact, I don't remember any other moment at all from the rest of that entire day. What I do remember though, is that she loved the flowers. Not in the way she always loved any gift I ever gave her. No, this was more definite, more genuine, more sincere. I don't remember the specific moment, but I do remember the way I felt when she received the gift. This was a Mother's Day gift, a Mother’s Day morning I remember only because I had hit on something that felt right. I had done something in my simple way that had made her feel good. And that in turn made me feel good as well.



Every Mother's Day, I remember that morning. I still think about the walk, and remember the sun coming up over the mountain, the birds singing, the quiet, and the good feeling. Also, I remember to give my mother lilacs. Hopefully, not in a boring or monotonous way, but rather as a tradition, that after a few years was just not something that could be ended.

In fact, one year after I gave her the flowers, she specifically requested that I always give her lilacs on Mother's Day. At the time I was irritated with the request since I had always done it anyway. But, through the years I have fallen back on that request in moments when it seemed ridiculous to give the same gift again and again, year after year.

I have tried to be creative with the gift by offering variations such as a lilac scented candle or a note pad with lilacs printed on each page. I have bought potted lilacs and given them as a gift that will keep giving in years to come. One year, when I couldn’t be home for Mother’s day, I carefully packaged some and mailed them to her. Every Mother’s Day since then, including today, one of my brothers reminds me of the rotten, moldy pile of flowers and how excited our mother was to receive the gift.

About three years ago, I found some while shopping for groceries with my family. There they were, all nicely wrapped in a cellophane cone, like so many other bouquets of spring flowers given away this day. It seemed strange, almost wrong to buy them like this, knowing they wouldn’t last very long. If I wanted to, and if I had more time, I could just go down my street and find some hanging over the sidewalk, like I have done so many times before. But time pressures and the ease of the purchase made it a quick and irresistible buy. And so I put them in the cart and told the girls they could hand them to Grandma when we saw her later that day. It was a week early, but it was something I could check off my to-do list and be done with. Besides, the girls were excited, and I was glad to keep the tradition going.

But it wasn’t quite the same. There was no sacrifice, no thought, no long walk, no great feeling. She liked them. She told me so as they were handed to her. She also told me a few days later about how she kept them around too long and enjoyed the smell in her home as long as she could. I can tell she still likes the tradition and hopes it will continue. And it will continue. It has to continue. 28 consecutive Mother's Days is quite tradition for someone who hasn’t held onto many family traditions. This is one worth hanging onto.

That very same Mother’s Day, I happened to be driving with my family, near the neighborhood where this tradition started. I told the children, I would like to show them a place where I had lived for a few months when I was a boy. As we turned the corner onto the wide road that led to the apartment complex, I immediately started looking for the lilac bush from years before. The same lilac bush I had already thought about this very morning. After a moment, we did pass one that seemed familiar, but it wasn’t as large as I would have expected after so many years.

We kept going and eventually turned the last corner into the apartment complex. This was the first time I had been back there since we moved away, almost 25 years earlier. Suddenly there was a flood of memories about the time we spent there. Cool mornings waiting for the bus, hot afternoons swimming in the community pool, evenings in the small grassy area next to our building, kicking the ball back and forth, and the night Kris wandered off and we found him with the help of a big police man.

Among the memories was the thought that everything was basically still exactly the same as it was the summer we moved away. Everything was the same, that is, except for the trees, which had grown large and tall over the years, in some places reaching from one side of the road, easily touching the trees on the opposite side.

I thought again about the Mother's Day tradition of the lilacs. Beautiful, and sweet-smelling as they are, there is only so much variation available when it comes to giving lilacs. But, like the trees of the old neighborhood, among all the sameness is an unmistakable fullness in the tradition. It too has grown large and tall over the years, and has taken on an impressiveness and an importance of its own.



I haven’t bought any lilacs since that day. I have come to understand the tradition is more meaningful when the blossoms are stolen. Sometimes I ask for permission before I cut. If I don’t, I never take anything that isn’t hanging in the public right of way. But, by searching for a lilac bush, by cutting off a few stems by hand, and by gathering the gift the way I did as a young boy, I am better able to reflect on the meaning of the tradition, better able to recognize how much things have changed over the years, and better able to remember how grateful I am for my own mother.

Bridges

First Posted May 9th, 2009

Teri and I met at an amusement park the summer before our senior year of high school. We were introduced by my friend, Shane, who had met Teri and her cousin earlier that night. I got Teri’s phone number and promised her I would call. To be more accurate, what I got was just half of her phone number. Shane remembered the other half. With nothing to write the number down on, we decided it would be safer if we got just one of the girls’ phone numbers, and then each remembered half.

When the park closed, we said goodbye to the girls and headed for home. For an hour and a half we repeated our part of the phone number, over and over to ourselves and to each other. Neither of us wanted to forget our part and let the other down. Randomly, Shane would call out his half, and I would quickly follow up with mine. Finally we arrived home and quickly got the number safely down on paper.

Several times that summer, Shane and I made that long drive from Evanston, Wyoming to Ogden, Utah to see the girls. But, by the end of summer, Shane’s romance was cooling off. Unfortunately for me, my truck was always in the shop and so I depended on Shane for a ride. I thought for sure my relationship with Teri was doomed as well. That is until she introduced Shane to another cousin. Things progressed well and in no time, my ride to Ogden was as good as gold for the next few months.

When you’re a teenager, relationships are complicated enough without adding a 150 mile round trip drive to every date. But Shane and I loved the road and made the trip as often as we could find the time and the money for gas. One cold winter evening, we were hanging out at my house, trying to decide what to do for the next few hours. It was a school night and already dark outside. “Let’s go to Ogden,” one of us wisely suggested. “Sounds good to me,” offered the other. And off we went.

This was a fun little romance that lasted all of my senior year of high school. Then one day, as suddenly as it had began, it was over. My mom’s husband got a job transfer and we were moving to Reno. It was about this same time that Shane also decided it was time he moved back to Boise. At first, I was hoping Teri and I could make it work, but, deep down I knew it would be too hard. 75 miles from Evanston to Ogden was hard enough, I figured 500 miles would be impossible.

All my life I have moved. I hated it. And I also learned to embrace it. I knew I couldn’t stop what was happening, so I always went along as best I could. But, I also ruined a few relationships along the way as well. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized that every time my family moved, I would subconsciously destroy everything I was leaving, burn every bridge, and wreak havoc wherever I could. The only thing I can figure is that I didn’t want the move to hurt me, so somewhere along the way I discovered it was easier to push everyone I loved away from me before I left.

I waited a few days and told her about the upcoming move after my prom. When I told her about the job transfer, we were sitting on a heat radiator, near the back door of the gym. All dressed up in our matching powder blue formal wear, we held each other and talked about how we would make it work. I tried to be nice. I said all the right things. I even deeply wished our relationship could go on. But, I knew it was over. Already, I was beginning to check out as fast as I could. Already, the pyromaniac was hard at work. Already, he was uncontrollably planning how he would torch everything.

Later that night, after going to a friend’s house to watch a movie, Teri and I made the long drive back to Ogden. I got her safely home and immediately started back to Evanston. I thought about how great the last year had been, how much I enjoyed the time we had spent together, how much I would miss her when it was all over. The sun came up as I made my way slowly up the canyon toward home. At times it shined straight into my tired and red eyes. I was sad, angry and lonely. But I knew all these feelings would eventually pass in time.

Teri and I talked a couple times on the phone, but I didn’t see her again before the big move. I just couldn’t do it.

I did see her one other time, about a year later. She was engaged.

Shane and I were in Evanston one weekend, visiting old friends. We decided on a whim to also make a stop in Ogden. It took us a while to find her. We searched all over Ogden for a family member who could tell us where she was. Finally, it was Shane’s old girlfriend who suggested we try Teri at work. We found her behind the customer service counter at the store where she had been working for a few months. Between phone calls and customers, we caught up.

It was great to see her, but it was hard too. We were still friends and still felt the closeness we had enjoyed the year before, but everything was changed now, all twisted around.

I wanted to tell her I was sorry for the way I left town. I wanted to tell her I wished things could have turned out differently. But it didn’t matter anymore, she was gone. We had both moved on and apart from each other.



In the 20 years that followed, I thought about her many times, especially when I took the freeway through Ogden. I remembered the fun times we had in those carefree days of high school. I wondered how she was, if she was still married, if she ever forgave me for the way I ran away.

Two days after signing up for Facebook she sent me an email. “Hey... Is the Clark Graff that went to Evanston High, rode bikes and was also known as Click?” I had forgotten she called me Click. No one has called me Click for more than 20 years.

At first it didn’t really register that it was her. Then, after I got over the initial surprise, it took me a while to decide what I was going to do; should I dig up the past or let it go forever? Late that night, I finally decided that at least I owed her a response. “One and the same,” I confirmed. “How in the world are you!”

“I am awesome!” she replied in her email. “I am excited that it was you!! How are you doing? We have to catch up?”

The question mark at the end of her last sentence threw me. Either it was a mistake, or she was putting the ball squarely in my court. Either way, it was my choice: accept her as a friend, and bridge over the past 20 years, or let it go and never look back.

I decided to catch up with an old friend.



The past few days have been very strange for me. I feel like someone has taken a box that contains my compartmentalized and linear life. They have shaken it up and handed it back to me with a smile that says, "Here you go, figure this one out!" I think I am figuring it out though. The Teri of the past is gone. The Clark she knew is gone as well. For a year we meant everything to each other, and I blew it. She moved on. I moved on. Life moved on.

Now we have the opportunity to start again as good-old, long-lost friends.

Today I emailed her and said I was so sorry for the way I had treated her when I left. I told her I was an idiot for the way I had ended our relationship. I tried to explain that if I burned all bridges and left nothing but ashes, I thought it somehow wouldn't hurt as much. But, I told her, it still did hurt. It hurt us both, and I'm sorry.

She hasn’t replied yet. I hope she can forgive me. We have some rebuilding to do.

Clearly for the First Time

Tonight I was moon walking in the kitchen. Jake and I taught ourselves how to do it on the slippery vinyl floor in the bedroom he and Kris shared. We lived in a modern log cabin, about three miles outside of a tiny little rural community in South Central Idaho. I don’t know why his room had vinyl flooring. It also had a whole wall of shelves, or pigeon holes, as we called them. I hadn’t ever considered it before, but I guess it was originally intended as a storage room.

It’s been over 25 years since we moved from there. In all that time, I have only been back twice. Both times were within a year or two of leaving there and both times I was just driving through on my way to somewhere else.

Actually, one of those times we did stop for a little while. It was about a year after we had moved away. My dad had picked Jake and me up for the summer. We wanted to see the old house. While we were there we dug up the box of hidden treasures we left for the next family to find.

Before we had moved away, we carefully hid this box in the rocky area on the sloping hill below the house. This had been our favorite play area in both summer and winter. Here we had spent many hours playing together.

To help the new residents find the box, I drew a treasure map of sorts and crammed it between two logs in the outside wall of my bedroom. I guess no one ever found the map.

After taking a look at the stuff: a few small toys and an old tennis ball, we buried the box back where we found it. I haven’t been back since.

After we moved away, I quickly lost track of anyone from there that meant anything to me. I’ve meant to go back many times, but just never did. I guess I never had a good enough reason.

I’ve thought a lot about our time there. Cody was born there. Kris was just a little kid. I think he was in Kindergarten and first grade. Lately I’ve thought seriously about going back for a visit. I don’t think I would look anybody up. I was just a kid myself, and it was a long time ago. I don’t suspect many people would even remember me. Mostly I would want to see a few of the old haunts from those years: the store where my mom’s second husband worked, the Chinese restaurant where my friend, Herman, and his family worked and also lived in a small apartment in the back, and the church where we would go every Sunday for meetings and every Tuesday evening for youth activities.

The old Junior High School, where I spent so much of my time as a young teenager, is gone now. I only know that because of the street level pictures on Google Maps. As you look right and click the cursor to the northwest along Locust Street, all you see is a barren spot of ground where the old building once was. This is where learned I loved making art, where I learned about writing, where I took photos as the yearbook photographer, and where I first got the nerve to ask someone to be my girlfriend.

I would also like to drive down the main drag, Broadway Avenue, as it makes it’s long, angled run from one corner of town to the other. The first time I rode in a car down this stretch of road, boasting the one and only stop light in the entire town, I dropped something on the floor just as we passed the downtown area. I found it and looked up just as my mother asked what we thought of downtown. In those few seconds of rummaging on the floor of our car, I had completely missed all of it.

The next time I drive that road, I will pay more attention through the middle of town. I will look especially hard for the small optometrist’s office where, for the first time in my life, I saw clearly. I vividly remember putting on my glasses for the very first time and looking out into the street through the large glass windows on the front of the doctor’s office. There, on the far side of the street, I could clearly make out the details of the Ropers clothing store. Later that night, I stood outside my house in the dark and marveled at the billions of stars in the sky above. Before that day, I didn’t know I couldn’t see.

But even with my new glasses I couldn’t see what damage I was causing to my second brother, Kris. Something changed between him and me in this little town. At first things were fine. He was a great little kid and we all got along great. In no time at all that was all gone.

Maybe part of it was that he was still a little kid and I was suddenly in my early teens. Maybe part of it was that I was jealous of him and the relationship he had with his dad.

I was the hard-to-understand-step-child, while Kris was his dad’s “Little Buddy.” He was “Little Skiing Buddy, Little Boating Buddy, Little Work Buddy,” and more. I admit I resented it. And, sadly, Kris, who deserved it least, was the one that felt the brunt of my resentment and frustration. Not that I ever took it out on him physically; that would have been too dangerous for me. No, I took it out on him in far worse, far more damaging ways; Kris was my target for alienation, for taunting, and at times, even for ridicule. For many reasons, real and imagined, I hated his dad, and Kris paid the price for that hatred.

Though we eventually overcame our differences, Kris and I never really became the friends I wish we could have been. We never had enough time to grow up and get to know each other as adults. I never got the chance to apologize to him for all the hurt I had caused him.

It was ten years ago today that he took his last breath. In the days after Kris died, I spent many hours on my knees, begging to be forgiven for the damage I caused to my brother, damage that changed the very course of his life, damage that indirectly lead to his untimely death.

There are so many analogies in this little, loaded essay that might be applied to my relationship with this brother. In fact, each analogy could probably also be applied, respectively, to the relationships I have with each of my brothers, and perhaps even my sons. But on this anniversary, ten long years since he left us, each analogy seems to me only a trite cliché that reaches for something that can never be had between Kris and I, and, perhaps something that does not need to be had.

I believe Kris has forgiven me. I believe too, that God has forgiven me as well. But, I also know that if was to alienate another person in the way I did Kris, I would never be able to forgive myself again. Now is the time to forever close the circle of anger, frustration and hatred that started in this small town in Idaho. Now is the time to begin a new tradition, based on love, caring, and selfless acceptance of the ideas, actions and individualities of the persons in my life today.

Someday I will go back to the small town where I first lost my brother Kris. I would like to again explore the rocky hills and open fields where we played together as children. But, in reality, I know already what I’ll find there, buried in the soil of my memories; little tidbits to guide me through my life. And from those treasured remembrances, I will draw lessons, which I hope always will help me understand my life more clearly.

Children, Start Your Engines!

First Posted May 5th, 2009

Behind me, a bunch of 4 year old children are making a mess of my house. Today is the official party for our 4th child. I say, official, because this is his third party so far this birthday. The first one was a couple weeks ago. It was for him and two of his friends who are all about the same age. They all went to McDonalds for breakfast with about 10 of their buddies. Then, a few days ago was party number two. This one was on his actual birthday. Only immediate family members were invited to that one. This was the boring one: no theme, no friends, no cake, no foo foo dripping off the walls.

My wife loves children’s parties. She is the queen of party planning - and she does it well. This one is a Racecar Party. We have giant cardboard cutouts, banners, hats, cupcake toppers, a black and white checkered table cloth, and music from the Disney movie, Cars, (of course) playing in the background. I’m always amazed what she can do with a $100 budget and a whole lot of creativity.

In May we had two themed Parties. One was Indian Jones and the other was golfing – a hole in one party for the babies first birthday. The Indiana Jones Party was over the top. But, I have to say, I helped feed the OCD on that one. We had so much stuff for the boys to do that we needed an itinerary with times off to the side. That one started with an obstacle course through our yard. We had a rope swing, three bridges and a gauntlet the boys had to run through. I was pleased to watch our 6 year old daughter kick a bunch of 9 year old boys’ behinds and get the best time on the course.

That party ended at the library, the last leg of our treasure hunt. The kids had been about a mile, through the center of town, deciphering poems and clues, leading them in turn to the next one. The boys found the book in the hold section, reserved in the name of Jones, Indiana. They opened it to find a key. They took the key to the information desk. The librarian was great. “You found the KEY!” She took the key in back and came out with a package. The boys took the package outside and found a treasure chest full of a bunch of candy and junk. It was great.

Somehow the racecars aren’t doing it for me. Maybe I’ve just been to enough parties for one week. But to the party I must go, I’m in charge of making sandwiches for the little racers.

I wonder if we have a cookie cutter shaped like a racecar . . .

By Small and Simple Things

First posted May 2nd, 2009

Great forces are at work in my life right now. Over the past week or ten days, several small things have added up, creating an energy that is potentially life changing. I say, potentially, because the choice is mine.

It’s as if I have been hiking in the woods, near the base of a great mountain. I have been on an easy, relatively flat, and well-worn path. For some time I’ve walked along, knowing there were other paths, but feeling content for now with the one I was on.

When you’re a kid, all you think about is getting to the peak of the mountain. You think about it all the time. You see it there, in front of you, but don’t really know how to get there. You run everywhere, recklessly looking for the gondola that will whisk you to the top, all the time using up energy that could be spent moving you higher on the hill.

In time you wonder if there really is a gondola. You tell yourself that even if there is one, it must be reserved for people who were handed a ticket at some point. And you were not given a ticket. You get tired of looking for the gondola. You even stop looking up at the peak. It hurts too much to know you aren’t going to get there. You chose a trail that works for you, and over time, you don't think about it much anymore.

Over the years, I have grown to genuinely enjoy the path I’m on. It helps that I often take time to enjoy the trees and birds and flowers. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of some majestic, wild animal crashing through the brush. And, as often as I can, I sit quietly to enjoy an exquisite sunset. Perhaps ironically, it’s because of these quiet times that I have come again to think about other trails. I don’t want anything too steep, but I think I can do more than I’m doing.

This week, another path came slowly into view. Several small things combined to show me of its existence: a broken stick here, a stack of stones there, a sound in the distance, and a footprint near the edge of the trail. All of these things, working harmoniously together, helped me to look up from the path I was on.

It would take too long to catalog all the items here, and really they don’t even all make sense to me. But somehow, they all came together in a single week and have shown me that if I will work a little harder, and if I will move a little faster, I can change the path I'm on. And in changing paths, I will also change the angle of my assent. Maybe the angle difference is only a degree or two more, but over time, it will make the greatest difference in where I eventually arrive.

Great forces are at work in my life. The decision is now up to me.